Dark times demand the biggest laughs, so we won't judge you for cracking up at this collection of dark jokes
Humor is subjective, but rough times are universal, and when they hit, one of the best ways to lighten your dark days is by indulging in even darker comedy. We’re talking about the morbid, tasteless jokes your crass cousin whispers to you at a funeral or your office mate shares while you both clean out your desks after layoffs—you know, the sort of dark jokes you’d hear when out for drinks with the local hangman.
Dark comedy isn’t for everyone—kindergarten teachers, please jump over to the funniest jokes of all time—but when you’re having a bad day, forget those happy folks! Dark jokes have been proven to help people cope with difficult subjects in a way that is lighthearted and culminates in cathartic laughter. For better or worse, dark humor still contains that key ingredient of all funny jokes: It’s relatable.
So laugh away the tears with this collection of morbidly dark jokes. And if you find yourself still down afterward, check out our favorite dark humor memes and dark comedy movies.
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Hilarious dark humor jokes
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- Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
- Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
- You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
- My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
- I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
- My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” But they stopped after I started saying that to them at funerals.
- Happy 70th birthday. At last, you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!
- I started crying when Dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good hamster.
- I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother. Not screaming like her passengers.
- Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
- Why is it that if you donate one kidney, people love you, but if you donate five kidneys, they call the police?
- I was playing fantasy football with my friend, and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing fantasy football.
- I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
- I’m not completely useless. I make a fantastic bad example.
- A supernova is a lot like Hollywood. Both are where stars die.
- I threw a boomerang a few years ago. Now I live in constant fear.
- My last date with my ex-girlfriend went terribly. It’s almost like she didn’t want to celebrate the two-year anniversary of when she dumped me!
- How’d I learn my rank among my siblings? My mom handed me the camera for every family photo.
- My mother told me, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” Terrible way to learn I’m adopted.
Have these cheesy jokes left you feeling lactose intolerant? Try these corny jokes instead!
Funniest one-liners
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- My grief counselor died, but he was so good at his job that I don’t even care.
- I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
- The internet is like a series of pipes in that both ultimately lead to the sewer.
- I always tell new hires, “Don’t think of me as your boss; think of me as your friend who can fire you.”
- I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.
- My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
- Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it. And sometimes it makes you puke.
- Engraved names of lovers on trees aren’t cute or romantic. They’re creepy reminders of how many people carry knives on dates.
- How are husbands like wine? They take forever to mature, and by the time some of them do, they taste disgusting.
- My wife left me a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!
- I went to see my dentist, and he warned me it was going to hurt. He was right. He admitted to an affair with my wife.
- I just came across my husband’s Tinder profile, and I am so angry about his lies. He is not “fun to be around!”
- My wife says making love is even better on vacation. I only wish she didn’t tell me via email.
- My therapist told me the problem with my love life is that I pursue damaged people and try to help them. I was like, “You too!”
- My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried. I think she’s jokinsdnbfjadskbngfsjkgbsafgfsgadfgdfgdfh.
- My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If you do, pass me your contact details, and we’ll drop them off tomorrow.
- My spouse treats me like God: generally ignoring until they want something.
Want a side order of groans with your laughs? Try this serving of funny bad jokes.
The funniest dark jokes
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- How do you turn any salad into a Caesar salad?
Stab it 23 times.
- What was the convicted murderer’s last request before he got the electric chair?
“Hold my hand.”
- Where did my grandfather go after getting lost in a minefield?
Everywhere.
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away…
If you choke on it.
- Why did Beethoven eat all of his chickens?
When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
- What’s worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?
Biting into a worm and discovering an apple.
- What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 miles per hour?
“But I thought I was flying 71 miles per hour.”
- Why don’t skeletons ever go trick-or-treating?
Because they have no-body to go with.
- Can fish break dance?
Yes, but just for 30 seconds and only once.
- Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because even cannibals are scared of them!
- And why don’t cannibals eat prop comics?
Please, even cannibals have taste.
- Do humans eat more bananas than monkeys?
Yes. Most grocery stores don’t even sell monkeys.
- Why should you never challenge Death to a pillow fight?
You’re not prepared for the reaper cushions.
- Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?
Because he’s dead.
- What’s the difference between a Maserati and a dead body?
I don’t have a Maserati in my garage.
- What’s the difference between a baby and a sweet potato?
About 140 calories.
- Why was the leper hockey game canceled?
Because of a nasty face-off.
- What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter what you call him. He won’t come anyway.
- What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral?
Not much.
- What’s the worst part of being buried alive?
Probably being buried alive.
Need some lighter jokes about living things to cleanse the palate? Enjoy some “why did the chicken cross the road” jokes.
Laugh-out-loud dark humor
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- Why are cigarettes good for the environment?
They kill people.
- Wanna hear a joke about trickle-down economics?
Eh, never mind—99% of you will never get it.
- How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apocalypse.
- What is the one place where “I am sorry” and “I apologize” don’t mean the same thing?
A funeral.
- When does a dark joke become a dad joke?
When it goes out for milk and never comes back.
- What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?
Arr you kidding? Most pirates were illiterate.
- Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they look funny for a second but then disappear.
- When is a door not a door?
When it’s just something I painted on the wall to give my captives false hope.
- What was my phone’s answer when I asked, “Siri, why am I still single?”
My selfie.
- What rhymes with “boo” and stinks?
You.
- What is the fastest way to have a smokin’ hot body?
Cremation.
- How is the dog doing after its human died?
Ruff.
- Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “From now on, call me George.”
- Wife: “Big news: I’m pregnant and—”
Husband: “Hi, Pregnant! I’m Dad.”
Wife: “No, you’re not. That’s the news.”
- Wife: “I want another baby.”
Husband: “Me too! This one we got is a total dud. Where can we return it?”
- Son: “I’d like you to meet my imaginary girlfriend.”
Dad: “You know, you could do better.”
Son: “Thanks, Dad.”
Dad: “I was talking to your girlfriend.”
- Patient: “Sorry that I’m so nervous, Doctor. It’s just … this is my first operation.”
Doctor: “Mine too!”
- Doctor: “I’m afraid I have some very bad news: You’re dying and don’t have much time left.”
Patient: “Oh, that’s terrible! Doc, how long have I got?”
Doctor: “Ten.”
Patient: “Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks?!”
Doctor: “Nine … eight…”
- The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
- My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
- I childproofed my house
Somehow they still got in!
Keep your comedy show going (and your friends chuckling) with these hilarious one-liners.
Morbid jokes to share with friends
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- A man marches into a magic forest with a saw and sets about cutting down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree protests. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
- The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
- As a child attempts to set his house on fire, his dad stands by, watching with tears in his eyes. He hugs his wife and says, “That’s arson.”
- Here’s a dark joke: You walk into a crowded bar and immediately, everyone lines up to take a swing at you. That’s it. That’s the punchline.
- My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?” I replied, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
- When my Uncle Frank was dying, he asked me to put his ashes in his favorite beer mug. He wanted to be Frank-in-stein.
- Vampires seem so sick. They’re always coffin.
- Whenever I’m watching my daughter at the park, some other parent always asks, “Which one is yours?” So I like to smile and reply, “I’m still deciding.”
- Today I decided to visit my childhood house. Feeling nostalgic, I asked the residents if I could walk around inside, but they just slammed the door on my face. My mother and father are the worst.
- I was digging in our garden in the middle of the night when I found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run inside the house and tell my wife about it … but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the middle of the night.
- It’s important to have a strong grasp on vocabulary. I mean, if I’d known the difference between “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
- The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
- When ordering food at a new restaurant, a woman asks the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken. “Nothing special,” he explains. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
- I was drinking a martini when the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I jumped to my feet and yelled back, “I know the entire alphabet.” Everyone laughed and laughed. Well, everyone except one person.
- While two men are golfing, a hearse slowly drives by. One of the golfers puts down his club, folds his hands in front of him and bows his head as it passes. When he resumes his shot, his friend says, “Wow. I had no idea you were so respectful.” The golfer replies, “Well, I was married to her for 30 years.”
- People say they’ll sleep when they’re dead, but not me. I have way too many enemies to haunt.
If you’re getting a kick out of these dark jokes, you’ll appreciate the sense of humor in these anti-jokes—they’re a bucket of laughs!
Dark doctor jokes
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- My doctor told me that nobody’s ever said to him, “I wish I worked more” on their deathbed.
He finds they usually say, “What’s in the syringe, Doc?”
- What’s the second-worst thing about a doctor discovering you have rectal cancer?
When the cops tell you later he wasn’t really a doctor.
- I just got my doctors test results, and I’m really upset.
Turns out, I will never be a doctor.
- Why should you never break someone’s heart?
They have only one. Break their bones instead. They have 206. Way more cathartic.
- What’s the greeting at every Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous meeting?
“Love seeing so many new faces here today!”
- Why did the doctor inject me with COVID-19?
So that I’d stop complaining about my cold.
- What’s the quickest way to get to the hospital?
Stand in the middle of a busy road.
- Two doctors walk into a bar…
The patient they left on the operating table didn’t make it.
To help with that rash in that spot—you know the one—please take a dose of these doctor jokes.
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Reader’s Digesthas been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the past 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly ofNational Lampoonand the author ofNow That’s Funny.We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such asshort jokes,dad jokesandbad jokesso bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium,Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. For this story on the funniest lawyer jokes, Brendan Hay tapped his experience as a comedy writer for DC Comics and TV shows includingThe Daily Show,The SimpsonsandRobot Chicken.Read more about ourteam, our contributors and oureditorial policies.
